Working nights, I watch a lot of informercials or commercials for a lot of "As Seen on TV" products. Sometimes I seek them out, sometimes they're on after the sporting event I'm watching and that's what they use to pay for the overnight air time.
They have a certain quality in production that you don't see in some TV shows anymore. So, my appreciation for them is not the product they're selling, but the production value they put into making these infomercials, so you'll spend $20 on a product that isn't necessary.
I mean how hard is it to make an egg. I can do it. To add to that is my all time favorite, The EZ Cracker. If you can't crack an egg without this tool, you might not be made for the kitchen.
The discovery of Aqua Hydrate has started a new obsession with fancy bottled water. Not just the Smart Waters or Fiji's or Voss's, but strange and not widely carried choices.
The newest discovery is blk. It's a water that is fulvic-enhanced all-natural mineral water. (I have no idea what that all means, just that's what the bottle and the website tells me.) The creepiest part of this water is IT IS BLACK!! When poured into a glass, it almost look like badly diluted Coke product. It drinks just like water, but the color is very distracting.
Dasani used to be my favorite bottled water, but now I think I have a new favorite. The winner of the bottled water experience is Aqua Hydrate. It's a pH of 9 instead of 8 for blk. and 7 for just everyday water. I feel myself getting stronger everyday.
Recommendation - I say scrap the beverage and just go into extreme sports broadcasting.
Personal Experience - I have drank this with and without alcohol. I did not see the point in either situation. Though I do like little cans because they make my hand appear delicate.
Confucius Says - This will be around when my son is in college. It is a grape juice stain on society.
Recommendation - Put a damn display accessory on the back so people trying to use it hand-held don't look like asshats! I can not shoot and control it from my iPhone or iPad all at the same time.
And yeah sure - it's super cool when you lock it onto the front of your surf board and shoot it at yourself killing waves on the north shore of Maui. Is that really your life? Cause it's not MY LIFE. Do you see me in Maui wanting to take photos of myself in a bathing suit doing ANYthing? No. Do I own an F18 fighter jet? Nope. (But that video was pretty bad ass.) I would totally barf in that situation.
I want to mount it on my dog. Make a plastic bit that HELPS me with that. Your camera is awesome - but it takes shooting then going to a laptop to review - to see what the hell you got. And don't change the lens so that it is no longer slightly fish eyed. I like that aspect and am unable to repeat it on other devices as well or as easily. It is a signature effect to your product.
Where do you guys get this music? It all sounds like it was mixed by a team of mosquitos.
Personal Experience - I have one. I have a Hero2. It gets hot. It breathes heavily under-water and fogs up the lens. It has fallen OUT of my Jeep twice (so the impact resistant shell works :)) It takes great pictures (mostly by accident). I have every accessory sold for that model except the stick thing that the skiers use. Cause that accessory is unnecessary. (pause) bwahahaha.
Confucius Says - It will only get better. It will have longer film times and get less hot. They will put a reverse humidor part in the underwater case that will solve the fog. They will create a rolling robot that will carry it that can be controlled by my iPhone. It will charge and sync through magnets rather than a USB cord. Someone will give me a drone to strap it to. Screw filming - I just want to see shit.
Opinion - I already love this. It is the child of a strange friendship. Longtime friends P Diddy and Mark Wahlberg came together and brought us this weird water that aids in hangover recovery - or exercise recovery. The yin and yang of [seriously good looking] life. Here is a brief clip from the Ellen show they did.
Recommendation - Buy it if you can find it. It's a really decent product. It tastes good but will do nothing different about littering the earth with plastic bottles. I buy it because I love Mark Wahlberg. I am Tina Fey in "Date Night." I had to go to 3 stores to find it. GNC #1 - Vitamin Shoppe #2 - and then again with the GNC #3 Bingo!
*** Side Story***
Vitamin stores.... I don't normally darken the doors of these establishments. Okay, I have never been in these places. Ever. I avoid coming in contact with the smell of aggressive vitamin odors. It smells like 'earth farts' up in there.
I went into the Vitamin Shoppe - it was 7pm at night in a newly developed shopping center - so my arrival was a bit like the Pope 'just dropping in' on a suburban Italian church on a Tuesday morning. They about shit themselves at my arrival. They almost RAN at me.
"Are you guys still open?" I asked noting their total surprise.
This question only seemed to increase the excitement. It was now their job to WOW me with service. Oh they were open!
I started to laugh when I saw that one of the two employees - who was about 5 feet tall - was just INSANELY ripped. His shirt seemed like button down scuba gear. The cotton of the oxford was STRUGGLING to appear normal over the Pamela Anderson-esque breasts that were rising from his arms. I stared at him. Speechless. His height only seemed to make it more animated. It was Wreck it Ralph after a shave wearing a vinyl outfit painted to look like a capital page. The hilarity of the sight was beginning to escape me - making me very nervous. What would I do with these earnest capable midgets? How would I ever stop smiling. My eyes were tearing up and I just KNEW that they didn't have the product I was here for. This was going to KILL THEM.
So I made up this lie - "Hi. My boss sent me here. I am supposed to see if you have (lift iPhone and reference totally irrelevant text message from my sister while pretending to be first unit producer assistant on a very important Bradjolina level feature film) if you have something called AquaHydrate'? Have you heard of it? I was told you have some here."
Gathered around me they digested this information… and you could watch their faces fall slowly. I think their muscles even deflated slightly. Some blood vessels in their necks receded. I started to smile uncontrollably again. Because as we all know - people who work out too much or who take steroids - well they are not the group known for their emotional stability. They were going to cry soon. And there was no Vitamin that could save them from it here at the "olde vitamin shoppe."
Did I mention that I was a full head taller than them. We were different species. I got myself back into my business face and reasoned with them that "No. Thank you but I cannot purchase an alternate beverage. MY BOSS needs exactly what he asked for. Because he is a demanding superstar whose name I cannot tell you because of security reasons."
They nodded their understanding. They were not surprised that there were couriers for business GODS in their store. They were surprised that they - their store - did not have the product that was being asked for. It was almost unfathomable.
As I drove away from their store I saw them lighting the rows of smelly pills on fire with torches with downturned faces and then a distant - but expected - two gun shots echoed in the darkness of this cold March night. It was over for them.
And it's better that they didn't have the knowledge that I got the shizzle at the GNC that was less than a half mile away. The guy that worked there had the same look my chocolate lab has when I return from the bathroom. "Huh? Where am I?"
I am sick. Yenny was sick last week. But she does not recognize illnesses. She believes that if you recognize some things it then has power over you. She then goes to the gym in shorts in 20 degree weather without the aid of a coat. If you haven't noticed yet by reading this forum - Yenny and I approach things in diametrically opposite ways. If she was to explain it she would say we are like 'antipodal points' - which is a mathematical term (therefore achieving her 3 Asian Power Points in the ongoing stealth scrabble game we call life).
It works out somehow. She watches enough bad sitcoms and reality TV shows (she is an insomniac - so she has the time) to understand the foundation of my life and I invested most of my dating career chasing high IQ'd/low-social-skilled men. And I watch a ton of the Science Channel. Really more than I probably should. All told. We are the modern equivalent of Oscar and Felix. (<< if you have to click that link you should just leave and not come back. You are too young to be reading this shit. And too sheltered.) I am far and away playing the part of Oscar.
That's right. Yenny is the female Asian equivalent of Jack Lemmon. {smile} Please always think of that when interfacing with her in the future. Do it for me.
But back to me being sick. I am sick. My approach to illness is paranoia, paranoia, cough, suspicion, clorox wipe, pre-medicate, denial, intense headache, overall inventory of things that are going wrong in my life, check thyroid levels, confirm that all thyroid levels are totally whak (this is normal), clorox wipe, try to blame the dog, body aches, fever, mucus overload, buyout CVS of every item in cold/allergy aisle and then check behind the pharmacist counter to see what meth addicts might be keeping from my shopping experience, add Mucinex, question whether I got the correct color of Mucinex, get over emotional about having worked at a Health Network and STILL don't know the bloody difference between the Mucinex color coding chaos theory of marketing (don't they know sick people can't think or read when they know they need your product??? make it EASIER!), question my intelligence as compared to the local meth lab manager, wonder if meth labs have a monthly mortgage, elicit expletives, insult dogs hygiene as if I am not related to the upkeep of it, over-medicate, over-medicate, eat carbs (cause I'll be dead soon and what the hell?), feel amazingly stupid, notice that the suspected loss of IQ has greatly improved my mood, get a little proud of the fact that my voice now sounds like the guy from the Green Mile (big dude, not TH), say sexy sentences to the dog to see if he is attracted to my new voice, eat chocolate, complain, over-medicate.... and then go to a doctor.
Hey,... it's a process.
I have a doctors appointment today. Yenny is in Boston hiding from me. (but as you see below I try to keep her informated about important stuff going on with me. So she won't miss me too much.)
Update on Monday, February 4, 2013 at 05:19PM by
Healey
Hey guess what? I’m still sick. Thanks for all the gifts and get well cards. Ya jerks.
Okay – so let me break this down for you. I was sick – because my kid was sick and it is his JOB to make my life harder and more expensive than anyone could ever fathom. He is very good at his job, as revealed by my diagnosis of sinus infection, bronchitis and double ear yuckiness. Yes – potentially, had I not languished in the denial state for as long as I did, I MIGHT have gotten a better handle on things. Whatever - HE made me sick. I got really sick. I blame HIM. But he was also very sick while I was sick so nothing stuck to him. So he got a little better (once he decided not to THROW UP THE MEDICINE every time I tried to give it to him.) (That was gross) (people still shouldn’t use our kitchen sink.) (Sorry Yenny.)
So I finally get some medicine and it kinda works – but I know myself well enough to know that one human dose schedule of antibiotics is not going to kick this for me. So I *arrange a strategy where my doctor will give me more antibiotics without having to visit her again because I hate her - so that I can ACTUALLY kick this thing properly. Make it GONE. But the dufus forgets to call in the prescription so I go 4 FULL days without drugs and the damn creeping crud crawls back into my system. How? Well have you met my boyfriend Martin Hackencough. Yeah. He’s holding the flame of this plague now. Like a bloody Olympic Torchbearer. And he mocks me. Because I guess real men don’t take medicine.
Me – “Hey, I found your lung in the hall. It was all covered with used tissues. You look pretty bad. Have you taken anything for it?”
Him – “Oh, thanks I was looking for that. No,.. (cough, sniffle) I mean I took an aspirin this morning. I’m really tired. But I think I’m okay.”
Me – “We sleep in the same bed ya know. And I need to break it to you that when you are asleep – you kinda forego the whole ‘cover your mouth when you cough’ thing. You fucking yack all over me. I mean I wasn’t going to say anything about it because – well I was pretty sure you were going to die of natural causes in the night – thus alleviating me from the need to develop a ‘stay out of prison’ plan. But you are still alive. Kinda. ...are you getting where I am going with this?”
Him – “Well - sorry I guess. But I think I’m getting better. It just needs to pass.”
Me – “So Aspirin and Time is your strategy, eh?” [imagine me with my sarcastic bitch-face on] “I am not going back in for the double dip of this crud. I already feel myself slipping back into it and I am very ‘blamey” right now and you are – well I blame you. “
Is that drywall seamed or all one piece? How do they get drywall panels into the rooms that drywall makes without dinging all the corners? What the hell is that shit made out of any ways? Smushed cardboard? I feel like that is naive. I’ll bet there are bugs in there. Why does whats-his-name look so weird? He seems really nervous. He needs to pop that zit or name it. Get some Clearasil on that bad-mamma-jamma. White stuff always makes things better. It’s medically cleansing. Except for sour cream. Which should fucking NOT be left out in the open air for as long as people do. That is nasty. Ecoli-palooza. yuck. Except for when it’s on nacho’s.
Like those awesome blue corn tortilla nacho’s they used to have at Bardo Rodeo in Arlington. Where the cheese was so melty and good. Who cared that they left all their pool tables out in the rain and people were barfing in the sandbox during Octoberfest. Those girls had it coming. Dress up like frickin prostitutes with shoes you have hardly been introduced to and then drink nine beers. Where the hell did you think this was going bitch? Yea, that’s right. You fell in the barfy sandbox disturbing two drunk programmer geeks in their game of “who can pile the highest vomit sand structure (while drunk)” and showed them your underpants. Don’t you yell at them. Those socially handicapped MENSA members didn’t dress you, drink you and push you in there. That place was awesome. I miss that place.
How did I pay for that shit? I was out all the time. I am old. I think my FitBit is broken. Ever since Yenny told me her lowest score on this goddamn thing I have been powerless to move my daily average beyond it. I even stayed up Monday night running on the treadmill and doing laundry. Fucking case of body snatchers there. Had that Pixar movie Wall-e not been on I wouldn’t have made it through even 30 minutes. I love that movie. I love the fat people on the floating chairs drinking their meals through straws... and the Captain who is being outsmarted by a steering wheel. And the roving vacuums. “Contaminant!”
Haha. I wonder if the squid invasion off the coast of Japan is an anomaly? An aquatic outlier? It has to be connected to the Tsunami. The Monterey Bay people will tell me. Once they come in from swimming or whatever the hell it is they are doing. “Laura put that Otter down and come into the office for christ’s sake!” I wonder if this is the kind of squid that is tasty?
I don’t like the yellow sauce they serve with the Calamari Ricardo at Carraba’s. It is suspect. I bet there are bugs in there. Anything could be in there. There could be urine in there. Better drink gin when you eat it. Cleansing Gin. Lime seems cleansing, too. I still have to squint when I say ‘limes’... because of that time it got in my eye. That hurt a lot.
I am insulted by the limes at Shopper’s. They are just insulting little green tree turds. Lifeless. Sour. Hard to cut. I am going to take my own finger off with that new knife. I need to get another cutting board. I am suspicious of the ones we have. “Contaminant!” But I don’t know how to throw them out. There are so many of them. Yenny will give me that look. the ‘you are being a wasteful white person’ look. I hate that look. But I have like 8 bloody cutting boards! They need to go. Maybe the FDA has some research that will support my purge.
“What happened to all the cutting boards?” Yenny will ask.
“Oh, didn’t you see Mehmet Oz on the joint CDC /World Health Organization (WHO?) summit that happened yesterday? Yeah, they said that cutting boards over 3 months old are the source of 97.3% of home bacterial outbreaks and that it actually is most impactful to Asians that are judgy and go to the gym too much. Those people are dropping like flies. The study also mentioned that old cutting boards caused instances of head lice. mhmmm. I know. Crazy, right? Scary stuff. I got some new cutting boards at Tuesday Morning. I love them. But don’t get attached. I plan on being skieved out by them in like a week or two. I’m doing all this for you. And your nieces. True story.”
My pants itch. I think a chemical has been sprayed on the insides of them. By Nordstrom. They suck. That is such a mean thing to do. I didn’t even start having an allergic reaction to them until I got to the office. My FitBit just made a joke about my quantifiable movement analytics in the morning. F-you FitBit. I have to go home to the asian girl I am saving and go to the gym. I should take Benadryl. and Gin.
Bryant is twitching somewhere. Honey, I am coming home! “Contaminant!!!!”
Tuesday, April 16, 2013 at 12:50AM | 
